Seven Tips for Talking to Difficult Clients and Stakeholders
It finally dawned on me that I haven’t talked about one of the biggest challenges on projects, one that I believe is the cause of more stress and struggle than all else combined.
How foolish I’ve been! I’ve written articles on every other topic in project management: requirements, estimating, Agile, team leadership, and so on, which are all important topics, but I left out what really trips up people the most.
So let’s get to it. It is such a common problem that I’ve routinely seen it defeat people irrespective of their title, their education, their list of credentials, or years of experience. That is this: talking to and working with difficult clients and stakeholders.
I’m talking about the kind who:
Always think your estimate is too high and your timeline is too long
Want everything done at once, and done yesterday
Suspect that you don’t know what you’re doing or talking about, on general principle
Are paranoid that you’re trying to pull a “fast one” on them
This is an important topic, because in my experience, this is where a lot of project management theory hits a brick wall in real life.
We can talk about process ad infinitum, but if we can’t get a difficult client or stakeholder onboard—whose support or authority we need—we are dead in the water.
Not a Problem for Just Project Managers
This isn’t just a problem for project managers. This is a problem for sales people, account managers, client relationship and customer service people, and so on. You would think such people would receive some special training, or possess some inherent aptitude for dealing with such situations, but that’s not been my observation.
On the contrary, I’ve routinely seen difficult clients and stakeholders run over and mop the floor with many a soul, regardless of how extroverted, gregarious, or normally smooth-talking they are. The consequences are predictable; teams end up under expectations that are impossible to fulfill, and the project becomes a nightmare of working overtime, high stress and frustration, and rushed work resulting in quality issues for which the team is later raked over the coals.
Exhorting teams to work harder to compensate for such difficulties is really avoiding the problem, not addressing it. A better approach is to work on our communication and negotiation skills so that we get better outcomes to begin with. This admittedly takes practice.
I cannot supply the practice, but I can offer a few tips to point you in the right direction. My experience is that it is your mindset and attitude that is the most critical to get right. To that end, here are are some ideas to consider:
Tip# 1: Establish Rapport by Being Responsive and Proactive
Rapport is everything.
If you can’t establish rapport, you will have great difficulty even engaging a difficult client or stakeholder in productive conversation. If you feel afraid or awkward about having a serious discussion, you have a real problem. You must be comfortable facing any situation head on.
This is probably a broad topic, but I’ll offer two quick pointers that I think go a long way. The first is to be highly responsive. What does this mean? In my mind, it means two things:
Always responding quickly and thoroughly when contacted by the client or stakeholder.
Maintaining a frequent routine of communicating and checking-in with the client or stakeholder.
The worst thing you can do is allow the client or stakeholder to become frustrated with you or jump to their own conclusions because you took to long to get back to them.
Instead, answer their emails and return their phone calls as quickly as possible, and be prepared and thorough in your communications. This A) demonstrates that you’re paying attention, B) builds trust, and C) creates a level of comfort, which you are going to need if you want to be able to tackle any delicate negotiation.
Supplement this by being proactive; reach out to the client or stakeholder regularly such that straightforward and transparent communication seems “normal”. Notify them early and regularly of general happenings on the project, so they do not feel that you are holding anything back or keeping them in the dark. Minimize surprises.
It is better to proactively communicate minor challenges or issues all along the way rather than glossing over them and only reaching out when a crisis hits. If you wait until a real challenge before you reach out, it is going to be far more difficult to gain rapport and a positive outcome.
Tip #2: Adapt Your Personality and Communication Style
The same approach will not work equally well for everyone; you must adapt.
I’ll give you examples of two real-life clients I worked with in the past. I personally did not consider them difficult to work with—but I know others who did, and who struggled to keep in their good graces. The only thing I did differently was I adapted to their personalities and communication styles.
The first client was on the introverted side. He was concise and to the point on all of his communications, sometimes to the point of being blunt. He responded well to logic and reason; he was a man who preferred few words, complete honesty, and being decisive. I appreciated this and matched his style.
I kept my own communications with him concise and straightforward; I focused on being very thorough but never dragging anything out longer than it had to be. I skipped the “small talk” and went straight to the point. In so doing, I built a strong rapport with him, and never had any issue talking to him about any subject, even when a crises happened (which actually occurred several times). Like anyone, he would also become angry and upset at times, but I could always remediate the situation by being straightforward and using calm logic.
In contrast, the second client was on the extroverted side. She liked to talk things through at length before coming to a decision; it was part of her thinking process. In her case I prioritized calling her over email; sometimes I would call in response to an email, then email back a summary of our phone discussion. My style went to being very conversational, taking my time, exploring all sides of an issue, even humoring tangents the client felt like discussing. How things felt to her was as or more impactful than pure logic, a fact I kept top of mind.
Again, adapting is the key to building rapport. If I used my second approach with my first client it would have come across poorly; and vice-versa. My advice is to either tailor your approach according to the person and to the situation, or find someone who is an appropriate fit and have them be the point of contact.
Tip #3: Remember Your Job is to Protect Everyone
It is not just about you.
If you see things that way, you will suffer from these common ailments:
You will be too worried about the client or stakeholder “liking” you.
You will be nervous or anxious about screwing up the relationship.
You will feel like things are going to be a battle.
Instead of focusing on yourself, where your real focus should be is on all the things you have to protect:
You have to protect your team
You have to protect the client (often from themselves!)
You have to protect the project schedule and budget
You have to protect the product vision (and keep from straying from it)
You have to protect the interests of the end user
…and so forth. In other words, you have to protect everyone. You have bigger things to worry about than your personal feelings or insecurities.
When you think like this, you must be in a problem-solving mode. Keep your focus right, and you can’t be bothered or flustered by anything anyone says or does. You are not on a mission to either give in to or put one over on anyone; you are on a mission to get the best outcome based on all the considerations.
Tip #4: Don’t Fall For the Illusion of “No Choice”
The “ultimatum” is the weapon of choice for the difficult client or stakeholder. They will imply that there is no other choice other than what they propose, or that their demands are non-negotiable. Or they may firmly claim that something is unacceptable or flatly tell you that you are wrong.
Recognize that this tactic is meant to make you respond in a knee-jerk manner—so whatever you do, don’t respond in a knee-jerk manner! Neither be shocked into submission, nor immediately protest, argue, or otherwise get upset.
Instead, remember that there are always choices, and every decision is based on certain information and assumptions, and the clarity or understanding of said information and assumptions can change everything.
What happens when a party comes to a conclusion unilaterally—which is most often the case with a difficult client or stakeholder—is that the conclusion was made with a certain set of assumptions that probably don’t align with yours, and is based on information that you don’t have, as well as an unawareness of information that you have and they don’t. To start tackling this, I advise suspending judgement and first seeking to understand where the other side is coming from.
Note that this is not about agreeing with their position—it’s about understanding what’s driving it, and why it makes sense to them. This may not be volunteered—the client or stakeholder might even think that the “why” is none of your business! In fact, directly asking “why” may put the other side in a defensive position, which will shut down your attempts to build rapport. Instead, I suggest using indirect techniques to help put the other side at ease and discover what you need to know. Let’s look at how to do that next.
Tip #5: Mirror and ask “What” and “How” Questions
A classic technique for gaining rapport, often used in high-stakes negotiation, is called mirroring.
Mirroring is a way of eliciting additional information in a non-obtrusive way. It’s a way of both listening and inviting the other side to share additional details without drawing attention to itself.
It is a surprisingly effective technique that simply consists of repeating back words or phrases you hear, which invites the other side to follow-up with additional detail.
Next, you want to kickstart a process of thinking through and examining whatever is being said a little more closely. You can ask “what” and “how” questions to help draw things out and direct the conversation.
Below is an example of an exchange that incorporates these techniques. You don’t have to mimic this word for word, it’s just to highlight the concept:
Client: This estimate is unacceptable.
Me: Unacceptable?
Client: Yes, this project has to be finished by the end of next week.
Me: What’s behind the timing of next week?
Client: We have a meeting scheduled to demonstrate this to the executive board.
Me: What are the important objectives of that meeting?
Client: They need to be impressed.
Me: Impressed? How can we impress them?
Client: The reporting feature needs to look really good, that’s what they will be most interested in.
The point is that we started from an unhelpful ultimatum and worked our way to discovering the real facts. In the above example it first sounded like the entire project needed to be finished by the end of next week, but with some investigation, we learned that the reporting is the priority. It even sounds like what we really need is a polished demo of the reporting for the meeting—which is a more focused and achievable goal that what we started with.
Tip #6: Practice Genuine Recognition
Again, you don’t have to agree with the client’s or stakeholder’s position, or the way they feel about things—but if you want to make progress, you have to at least recognize what it is and why it is that way.
If you do not do this, the other side will simply think that you are not listening, and in turn they will tune you out.
This does not imply that you have to empathize or give in; you just have to state things in a way so that people recognize that you are making an effort to understand them.
This is NOT about making small talk, or paying compliments, or flattery, or any such thing. This is about practicing genuine recognition, specifically about what the other sides values in their situation, and how that determines their position. When done correctly, it makes people comfortable to share more information with you.
There are many ways and opportunities for you to practice recognition. My preferred way to is to state things from my perspective, using words like “it sounds like, it seems like, it looks like” etc, or ask if my understanding is correct about something. This gives people a chance to correct me if I am wrong, without the risk of causing offense. Below are a few examples of that:
“It sounds like it’s really important for this meeting to be successful”.
“It looks like your biggest concern is database security.”
“Am I correct in understanding that what’s most important to you is ____? (fill in the blank)
If your recognition is on point, and the other side agrees with you, they are likely to open up even further, because you’ve demonstrated that you understand what they value. If you got it wrong, then keeping asking for clarifications until you do get it right.
Tip #7: Share Your Own Values and Ownership for Finding a Collaborative Solution
Now that you’ve listened and demonstrated your understanding of what it is the client or stakeholder values, and how that influences their position, realize that it’s OK for you to share what you value, and how it influences your position.
Think of it this way: It is not “you” vs. “them”; it is “us” vs. “the problem”; the problem being to find a solution that doesn’t offend either of your values. Don’t be so quick to simply relinquish what you value just because the client or stakeholder doesn’t understand it. Coming to an understanding is what this is all about. Rather than simply saying “no” you are formulating a “principled no” in which you are defending whatever it is you value, but also saying “yes” to a solution that respects it.
You can do this using the following 3-part structure:
1. Explain what value is important for you in this situation;
2. Explain why the client or stakeholder’s position creates an issue relative to that value;
3. Offer an alternative that mitigates the issue while respecting what the client or stakeholder values.
This, in a nutshell, is what collaborative negotiation is about. The idea is to get to a discussion around values, root causes, and creative problem solving rather than getting into an argument over positions, conclusions, and assumptions.
Does it take patience and effort? It does, but it is extremely worthwhile. In many situations this is the only way to make “impossible requests” actually possible; there are simply no “process” tricks that will save the day.
Thus, even with all the knowledge out there, I still recognize that communication is the “king” of skills. Try putting some of these tips to work the next time you have to deal with a difficult client or stakeholder and see if it helps improve the outcome!